Who We Want To Be
by sh1o
Summary: There's a war coming. Good vs Bad. Or is it? What happens when you can't have one without the other? Soon everyone will have to choose between what's easy, and what's right.


Nothingness...

He opened his eyes to nothing. It was absolutely dark, wherever he looked, he even opened his eyes as wide as he could to try to get the tiniest hint of light to reach his silver irisis, but there was still nothing. He could tell that the he was lying on some stone floor as he could feel his cheek pressed against something hard and cold. Even though he couldn't see anything, the room still felt somewhat familiar and, at the same time, completely new.

He tried to get up but, for some reason, his body didn't obey. His brain was commanding his arms and legs to move and get him to stand, but the harder he tried to press against the floor and the harder he tried to move, the harder his body was being pushed down and forced to stay still. Even his grunts from the effort couldn't come out. All his efforts to move were going unnoticed, not a single hair could be seen moving and not a sound could be heard.

He didn't feel it in his hand, so he just assumed he'd dropped his wand somewhere around here.

 _Accio wand_ , he thought, focusing on the nonverbal spell, but he didn't feel it coming to his hand, didn't even listen to it moving. _Not strong enough_? He wondered, _Come on…_ _Accio wand!_ he tried again, but still nothing. _ACCIO WAND!_ this time he actually wanted to yell, but again, no sound would come out. _This is bloody ridiculous_ , he thought, wanting to roll his eyes at the situation he was in. _Guess I have nothing left to do but wait_ … and with that thought, he stopped his invisible struggle.

The nausea from losing bodily agency was already getting to him when he heard a low distant thumping sound. He immediately went alert, trying to listen to something, hopefully, someone who'd come help him. A second sound came, just like the first, but this time a little louder, like it was getting closer. Drums?

 _The drums,_ he thought.

It wasn't the first time he'd heard those specific low drums. Adrenaline was rushing through his entire body as he now started struggling with every fibre in his body to free himself. By the time he heard a third louder beat of the drums, he already had a rather heavy, though silent breath, as a result from his efforts to move. After a sixth loud beat dropped, he was already exhausted and frustrated because he still hadn't moved at all. The drums were almost worse than what was to come, this premonition of what he had to go through… what he already went through. There was nothing he could do, and so, he just lied on the cold hard floor, waiting for fate, the growing beats of the drums banging louder and louder. One last beat of the drums echoed through the room, and he felt his hair vibrate under the sound waves. He closed his eyes and drew one last breath. It was time.

.

.

.

There was a touch on his shoulder, but not the touch he had expected. Draco opened his eyes so quickly, it took him a few seconds to get his vision to focus.

"Draco..." - a warm soft voice called out.

He released the tight grip he had on his pillow.

"Draco, wake up sweetheart," Narcissa asked him. Her voice warm and soft, her hand delicately combing her son's hair away from his forehead.

He sat up without looking at his mother.

"Another nightmare?" she asked. Noticing the large sweat marks on his sheet and pillowcase, she cupped a hand around his cheek to force him to look at her, but Draco got up and started walking to his bathroom after a short 'No.'

"We'll buy some more Sleeping Draught today," she said, taking the two empty bottles from his nightstand and making her way out. "Come on down for breakfast when you're ready," with one last sigh, she made her way downstairs.

Without thinking, Draco turned on the shower and immediately hoped in even though the water hadn't warmed up yet. His mind somewhere else completely. He just wanted to enjoy this last moment he had to himself, his true self. After that, he had to keep his composure, and as soon as he stepped out of his house, he knew there was a reputation to maintain, or, as his father taught him from an early age, to "put on the Malfoy mask". It used to be about not goofing around in public, but now it was about not showing weakness. Putting a towel around his waist, he recited one of his father's favourite lines, with a hint of spite in his tone, "Remember Draco, out there, there is only one rule, hunt or be hunted."

After getting dressed, he took one last look in the mirror and, as always, gave a first bump to Hamish MacFarlan, his favourite player from his favourite team, the Montrose Magpies, who held his fist out from his poster held on Draco's bedroom door.

Narcissa was going over her son's OWLs results and school supplies for the upcoming year when Draco sat down for breakfast.

"You've only failed Divination, but no one really cares about that anyway. Have you decided what you'll be taking this year?"

To his mother's despair, Draco just kept drinking his cup of coffee, acting like she wasn't even there. It had been like this since… the incident, but it still hurt her. Her son used to be the heart and soul of the house. She could still see that small boy talking with his mouth full, filled with excitement, telling his mother over dinner how he held on to his broomstick with his legs to catch the quaffle the house-elf had thrown him.

Looking back at his son now, the small boy is gone, and a young man took his place.

"Draco, I need to know what subjects you'll be taking so we can buy your supplies," Narcissa asked him.

"Everything except Divination and Care of Magical Creatures."

Draco still didn't lift his eyes from his coffee mug.

"Are you sure?" Narcissa tried to measure her words before saying them out loud.

"Draco that will take a lot of your time, and you have to…." But she couldn't finish the sentence.

"I'm sure," said Draco.

"What about Defense Against the Dark Arts? I know you had an Outstanding, but…"

"I'm sure!" repeated Draco, finally looking up.

Narcissa looked back at that big round O in Defense Against the Dark Arts. She wondered if her son also saw the irony in that one.

After finishing his coffee, Draco got to his feet without saying a word, ready to leave for Diagon Alley. Narcissa waved her wand around her dress to get rid of any possible crumbs and creases and quickly followed her son.

Far from the manor, there was another very different breakfast. Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny were sitting at the kitchen table at the Burrow. Harry had arrived just a few days ago, after his little trip with Dumbledore to meet Slughorn.

Even though he didn't show it, the image of Sirius falling through that weird veil just a few months ago still haunted his dreams. Fortunately, being around his friends took his mind off things, and made it easier to cope. Hermione was extra careful around him, which was kind of annoying, and he even asked her to stop treating him like he was some delicate flower. The Weasley siblings on the other hand, just kept him busy with mostly Quidditch, even more now that he got his Captain Badge with his Hogwarts letter.

"So basically, you only have to find two beaters to replace Fred and George," Ron said, after listing who'd be already on the team, which included himself as a keeper.

"You're full of yourself! What makes you think you can stay?" Ginny spat.

"What? You're in too as a chaser!" Ron shrugged in innocence.

"I'll just have try-outs for every position. Wouldn't be fair to give you special treatment just because you're my friends," Harry told them both.

"But…" Harry started as he saw Ron's offended look, "I'm sure you'll take your spot back anyway."

The conversation went on for ten more minutes, as they now discussed strategies and how often they should practice, until Hermione, who had buried her face in in her _Daily Prophet_ to get away from the never ending Quidditch talk, interrupted.

"Alright, let's go guys!" Hermione slammed her paper down to get their attention and got up. "Fred and George said we should get there early, before it gets packed."

"Ah, yeah, I really want to see what they've got there. Even Mum's come around, and she really hated the idea."

Harry had just taken a handful of Floo powder when Ginny pushed him aside and gave him a flirty wink before she stepped up to the fire and shouted "Diagon Alley!" and vanished between the green flames. Harry went after her, always with his back turned to Ron and Hermione so they couldn't see the smile he automatically drew when Ginny winked at him.

"Bloody hell," it was Ron who finally broke the silence. They had all paused as soon as they reached Diagon Alley. It was no longer the Diagon Alley they knew. Most shops were abandoned or boarded up. The whole street seemed darker without all the colourful window displays the four of them were used to. They started walking up the street and stepped into Madam Malkin's, since Ron needed new school robes, as a result of having grown quite a bit the past summer.

Hermione grabbed Harry's arm when they noticed Malfoy with his back turned to them trying on a set of dark green robes.  
There was a tone of impatience in his tone when Draco said, "Just go get the books and I'll get the rest so we can get it over with."

"We'll go together, we're not in a hurry," Narcissa replied calmly. "Now stand straight so I can…"

"Looks like visiting hours in Azkaban are over!" Ron took a few steps forward and waited for the blond boy and his mother to turn around so he could give them a mocking smile.  
Harry didn't know how to react. He had never seen his best friend act like this, and by the look of the girls, neither have them. He knew this was a bad idea, but still, he stepped forward to stand by his friend's side. Hermione just looked at Ron with her mouth open, wondering where this new found sense of confidence came from. She had to admit it did kind of suit him, and it was well deserved after all the hell Malfoy gave them for five years, but the little rational voice in her head was warning her of how much a bad idea this was.

"What was it that disgraces the name of a wizard? Oh right, being a Death Eater!" Ron said emphasizing the last two words and remembering the brawl his father had with Lucius Malfoy at Flourish and Blotts four years ago. _Revenge does feel good_ , he thought with a smirk.

Draco's eyes narrowed.

"I wonder if they allow conjugal visits?" Ron tilted his head towards Narcissa while ignoring Harry who was pulling his arm as a sign for him to stop.

"How dare you talk to my…" the blond teenager made an angry movement towards Ron, who was at least 2 inches taller than him, but was stopped by a firm hand pressed against his chest.

His mother pulled him closer so she could whisper something in his hear, which made him calm down. With a last threatening glance towards the four, Draco turned on his heels and left the shop, leaving his mother with Madam Malkin to pay for the robes he was still wearing.

.

.

.

Harry and Ginny mocked Ron all the way to Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes.

"Look who's turning into a big strong man," mocked Ginny, squeezing his cheek, her voice sounding as if she was talking to a baby, which made Harry laugh out loud.

Hermione on the other hand, gave him a slap on the shoulder and tried scolding him with an "Honestly Ron…" but failed to keep a straight face, and a slight giggle told Ron that she too found it amusing.

When they got to the shop, they realised the twins hadn't lied; the shop really was crowded, especially compared with the rest of Diagon Alley.

As they stepped in, George pulled Harry into an awkward hug that Harry didn't see coming.

"Come check out the back Harry, we've got loads of new stuff we want to show you!"

Harry didn't even have time to protest, as he was almost being dragged, and only had time to turn his head and tell his best friend to go as well.

Ginny and Hermione found themselves in the middle of a dozen girls, all contemplating these small pink heart shaped vials with the label **Love potions, get a bait and give it to your date!**

Hermione was staring at the place Ron had just left with Harry and George lost in her thoughts. She didn't know how or why, but she quite liked this new found sense of self confidence Ron had. It was like he grew both physically and mentally. A familiar voice broke her out of her day dream. Feeling guilty for having these thoughts, Hermione put the vial back and turning on her heel, went after Harry and Ron.

"Ginny!" called Mrs. Weasley from the crowd.

The red haired girl turned around and tried not to roll her eyes at her mother.

"Come on now, I need help carrying all of this. Your brother's too, where is he?" Mrs. Weasley asked, dropping four books onto Ginny's arms and still holding on to six more.

 _Oh, I'm not going down alone_ , thought Ginny, but by the time she turned around to where she had just seen him, Ron had already left the shop with Harry and Hermione.

The trio had left through the back door, but quickly stopped in their tracks as they saw the same pale blonde boy they had seen before. Draco Malfoy was hurrying up the street, constantly glancing over his shoulder. They hid behind a pillar as the teenager passed by them and made a sharp turn to Knockturn Alley.

"Someone doesn't want to be followed," said Ron raising an eyebrow.

"Not even by dear mummy by the looks of it," said Harry, frowning.

"Why though?" said Hermione.

"Nothing good, that's for sure." Harry replied with a determined look.

"Come on," he told the other two as he pulled his Invisibility Cloak and started to follow Malfoy.

Hermione hesitated for a second. She knew that look on Harry's face, it's not like he tried to hide the hate and loath he felt for the Slytherin boy. She was just worried that he'd do something stupid. _It wouldn't be the first time_ , she thought.

When they reached Knockturn Alley, they had just a glimpse of Malfoy turning a corner, so Harry started to speed up to make sure they didn't lose him.

The corner where they saw Malfoy turned out to be the entrance of Borgin and Burkes. They were about to go in when a tall, large hooded figure blocked their path and was looking right to where they were standing. They slowly backed away until they were at a safe distance and still able to look through the shop window.

"He must have seen our ankles when we started running," Hermione whispered into Harry's ear.

"Shh, let me look!" Harry said impatiently.

He tried leaning as much as possible without making the Cloak raise above his feet. He could only see a splash of gold that he assumed was the top of Draco Malfoy's head, surrounded by at least a dozen hooded figures. Harry took another step forward to try to listen, but it must have made some noise. The tall large hooded figure went inside the shop, and closed the door and the blinds, making it impossible to look at from the outside.

Harry took out his wand and started lifting the Cloak when Hermione gave his shirt a hard pull.

"What do you think you're doing?" Hermione asked.

"Those are Death Eaters in there!" Harry replied, tightening the grip on his wand.

"You don't know that! Plus, there's at least ten of them. Were you just gonna walk through the door and shoot curses left and right?" Hermione asked ironically, still holding on to his shirt.

"I…" Harry tried to argue back.

"Not to mention you can't do magic outside of school! Now come on, let's get back to Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes before Ron's parents realise we're gone." Hermione said, taking a step forward and leading them back to Diagon Alley.

"She's right mate." Ron put a hand on Harry's shoulder.

"That spoiled brat isn't worth it." Ron said, trying to get a smile from his still angry friend.

Harry sat alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts Express with his legs stretched and a pack of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans in his hand. It sucked that Ron and Hermione had to go to a meeting with all the prefects in a special compartment. _Well, that's not what really sucked_ , Harry thought, _Ginny dating that tosser is_.

His heart almost skipped a beat when he saw her running towards Dean Thomas and hug him and kiss him. It was even worse when he almost walked into the compartment where she was, sitting in his lap.

 _Snap out of it! No point in feeling sorry for yourself_ , Harry thought to himself again, throwing a dark green bean into his mouth. The thoughts kept invading his mind however. _Parents gone, Sirius gone, and now Ginny with them_.

"What is wrong with you?" he whispered to himself.

 _How are you more upset about Ginny… Your best friend's sister! Than about your own godfather_. He was about to punch his own leg when he heard the compartment door swing open.

"Hey Harry, mind if we seat with you?"

Neville Longbottom was standing near the door with Luna Lovegood by his side.

"Sure! Absolutely, come in," replied Harry, a half smile drawn in his face.

"So, how were your holidays?" asked Harry, glad he got a distraction from that downward spiral of self-pity.

Neville started talking about how proud his grandmother was of him due to the battle at the Ministry, and even bought him a new wand. Harry just sat quietly and heard about how their adventure was from their perspective, thinking how he should appreciate his friends more. He'd always considered Ron and Hermione to be his only true friends. He thought how he had never even thanked them for coming with him to the Ministry, how he had never thanked them for being better friends to him than he was to them. _Thank you_. _For everything_. He couldn't say it out loud, but he really was grateful.

"I just hope I didn't break anything when I Stunned that masked man," said Luna.

A loud laugh startled the three of them, as Ron and Hermione had just arrived in time to hear that.

"Don't worry Luna, I'm sure you didn't," said Hermione with a smile.

"So, any news?" asked Harry, sitting straight so they could all sit.

"Malfoy ditched the reunion," said Ron taking a sweet from Harry.

"We went to see if he was terrorising first years or something, but he was just in a compartment with some other Slytherins."

"Was he doing something?" asked Harry eagerly.

"Nope, just sitting there," replied Ron helping himself to another sweet.

Harry hesitated for a second, not sure if he wanted to talk about that in front of Neville and Luna. _No, they deserve to know as much as any of us_ , he decided and gave them a short summary of what they had seen in Diagon Alley.

"It had to be some sort of initiation," concluded Harry.

"Not this again Harry, Draco Malfoy is not a Death Eater." said Hermione impatiently.

"I gotta side with Hermione in this one mate. I mean, what would You Know Who want with a bloke like Malfoy?" said Ron with a chuckle.

"His father was one! Now that he's in Azkaban, Malfoy probably wants to take his father's spot," said Harry, frustrated that they couldn't see what was so clear to him.

The conversation went on for a while afterwards and while she was still paying attention, Hermione found herself replaying a scene from earlier in her head. When Ron and her went to check on Malfoy, she noticed he looked different. His face was pale, well, pale-er than usual; had huge bags under his eyes and he looked thiner, as if he was ill. He was also aside from his friends. They were all talking in a group except him, he was just staring out the window. _What in the name of Merlin happened to you?_ She thought.

But what kept her thinking was what happened next. She must have had been standing at the door for a while looking at him because he eventually noticed her but didn't react. Hermione expected a loud "Piss off Mudblood!" or a "What are you looking at you filth?", but he just stared at her and turned his gaze back to the window. _He really must be sick_ , she thought, before going after Ron.


End file.
